Lately I’ve been thinking about the word “should”. I’m realizing just how often I use this word, mainly when I am talking to myself. I “should” work this weekend. I “should” eat fruit instead of ice cream. And my personal favorite (NOT!), I “should” do another 30 minutes on the treadmill. Or course, “shouldn’t” is not any better. I “shouldn’t” eat ice cream. I “shouldn’t” take the day off from exercising. You get the point. I’m beginning to feel like using the word has become a form of self-sabotage for me. Every time I say it, I’m telling myself I’m wrong, or I’m not good enough, or I’m somehow lacking. It literally feels like I’m punching myself in the face. It’s not a good feeling.
Coincidently, I read a Harvard Business Review article entitled “Free Yourself from What You “Should” Be Doing. The article was about how many people pursue one path in life, chosen by family, culture, or some reason that is not their own, and now they can’t escape it. The investment in this path is ingrained too deeply into their personality and their own sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. The way out of this trap is to step outside our comfort zone and break the habit of always doing what we “should” do.
Even though I was never put in the situation where I had to make a life choice that was not my own, I still felt the premise of this article personally. It also coincided with another HBR article I read this week entitled, “The Pandemic Changed Us. Now Companies Have to Change Too.” This article was about how many workers have changed their attitudes and are “renegotiating their social contracts with work. What was once mostly transactional has changed. We’ve gone from demanding that work stay out of our personal lives to quitting if it won’t.” I am one of those workers.
After decades of working 60-80 hour weeks; always saying “yes” to every extra project; beating myself up for every promotion I didn’t get; moving to a new city where I didn’t know a soul for a job (twice!); pushing myself to the limit and beyond just to “get ahead”, I finally had to admit to myself that my ambitions are hurting me, not helping me. Who cares what my title is? Who cares how many people I manage or how big my budget is? Who cares how many hours I work? No one but me. But I was also my toughest critic. I could never do enough or BE enough. There was always another mountain to climb, another title to win.
I developed that mentality early in life. It doesn’t really matter why any more. What matters is that while those goals meant something to me then, they don’t mean the same to me now. Before, those goals pushed me to do better, to be better. Now, they often make me feel incapable, tired, and less than in some way.
So, I did what a lot of people are doing right now according to that recent HBR article. I quit. My social contract with my job was getting in the way of my mental and physical health and I had had enough. It’s only been a few months but I can already tell it was the best decision I could have made for myself. It’s a weird feeling not having a boss or an office or yearly organizational goals to work for. But it’s also liberating. I can set my own hours, my own goals, and my own review of my performance. At the very least, I can stop working all weekend. Unless I want to. 😜
That’s not to say that I still need to work on those “shoulds.” They still get me. I’m working hard to eliminate that word from my vocabulary. I pledge to stop goading myself into doing stuff I do not want or need to do. I suggest you, dear reader, do the same. You’ll feel so much better about yourself.
