Here’s a very personal and vulnerable admission. For most of my life, I’ve worked hard to be invisible. It wasn’t a conscious choice at first. It was a defense mechanism, a way to feel safe after childhood experiences that taught me to shrink rather than shine. I took it as far as developing an eating disorder in high school. I was literally trying to make my body disappear. Unfortunately, that same instinct carried over into my professional life and continues to plague me decades later.
At work, I often held back my ideas, and when I did share, they weren’t heard. Even today, as a business owner, I sometimes feel overlooked in rooms full of peers. And deep down, I know that’s because of the walls I’ve built around myself.
That’s why I picked up Olivia Fox Cabane’s book The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism. And I’m so glad I did.
Charisma Isn’t Magic. It’s Teachable
What struck me most is Cabane’s core message: charisma isn’t something you’re born with. It can be learned and practiced. That realization alone was freeing. I don’t have to aspire to be Oprah overnight, but I can make small, deliberate changes to feel seen and heard in the ways that matter to me.
This is where developing charisma and self-confidence comes in. It’s a process, not an overnight transformation.
Why the Brain Tricks Us
One section that really resonated explained how the brain doesn’t always distinguish between fact and fiction. That clicked for me in a big way. When I was younger, meeting new people or going to unfamiliar places often felt unsafe. My instinct was to retreat, to disappear. Even though I don’t feel that same fear today, my brain still reacts as if I need to run.
Recognizing that pattern helped me connect the dots: my defensive habits weren’t weaknesses, they were survival. That realization gave me compassion for my younger self, and it motivated me to develop new, healthier responses that serve me better now..
From Self-Comparison to Self-Compassion
The book offers practical tools for breaking free from negative self-comparison and practicing self-compassion. Like many of us, I tend to get stuck in harmful imposter syndrome thoughts. I love that she defines self-compassion as forgiving ourselves when we’ve fallen short. It’s not that we ignore our shortcomings. Instead, we accept them and love ourselves anyway. The Metta technique, in particular, is powerful for me. It’s a reminder to extend kindness inward instead of being my own harshest critic.
Finding My Own Style of Charisma
I also appreciated learning about the different styles of charisma. It’s not about putting on a mask but about using my authentic strengths and personality to connect with others. That feels much more attainable than trying to force myself into someone else’s mold.
I especially loved how Cabane identifies kindness as a key to charisma. We need more kindness in the world today. Interestingly, she explains that kindness charisma is conveyed almost entirely through body language. I’m not sure I fully agree, but it did help me see how I might learn to exude “kindness charisma.”
It comes down to showing warmth in expression and demeanor. That warmth creates an emotional bond and a sense of safety for the people around you. For me, that’s a full-circle moment. If I can help create safety for others, perhaps I’ll finally feel safer, too.
So if you see me out in the world in the coming months, let me know how I’m doing.
Moving Forward
For me, this book is a roadmap toward becoming more present, more open, and more visible. I may never command a stage with the magnetism of a celebrity, but I don’t need to. My goal is simpler: to show up fully as myself, to be seen, and to have my voice heard.
And now, thanks to The Charisma Myth, I feel like I have the tools to start developing charisma and self-confidence in ways that feel authentic to me.
🤔 What book have you read recently that’s changed your life or made you think?
