I just got back from a whirlwind three days in New York City. It’s my first solo trip to New York in three years. I try to treat myself to a weekend getaway every August for my birthday, but life often gets in the way. But this year I made the decision to go, even with my recent job change and uncertain finances. I usually don’t take these kinds of risks, especially when money is involved. I’m very frugal. But this trip was important to me, for reasons I don’t think I could articulate when I made plans to go. But now that I am back, I think I have a better idea. I needed this trip as a reset. I needed to rethink my priorities.
I admit that I’ve been very lucky these last few years. I had a steady job where I could work at home. I had good healthcare and enough money to pay my bills. I never got COVID and never had to worry about a family member or friend getting severely ill or perishing from COVID. All that being said, the last couple of years were still very difficult. The uncertainty, fear, and discord the pandemic caused was universal. We all felt it and we all suffered from it. I did too. I don’t operate well under uncertain conditions. Feeling unsafe in any way is a huge trigger for me. So, even when I wasn’t directly affected by what was happening in the world, I felt the pain of it.
During the last year or so, I also dealt with the uncertainty of a changing workplace culture at a job I loved. I no longer felt valued there, nor did I feel safe. I had planned to work there until I was ready to retire but it was becoming very clear that I needed to change my plans. So, I made the very difficult decision to leave my job and freelance full time. I love writing and I planned to do it even when I retire, so it wasn’t difficult because of that. It was difficult because I was leaving behind people I cared about and a mission-based job that I used to be fulfilled by. I had to let go of one vision of my future to make another. Again, uncertainty is not my jam so this decision was not easy.
Anyway, I jumped right in to freelancing full time. I didn’t take any time off. I wanted to grow my business as quickly as possible so that I would have a steady income. I’ve been working non-stop since then. But I was also realizing that I don’t have to. I will be fine with any income I make. And I don’t have a boss to impress any longer. I’ve spent most of my adulthood putting work first and I started realizing how much I missed because of it. I’ve forgotten how to have fun. I’ve forgotten what else there is to do other than work. There were Saturday afternoons when I worked because I couldn’t think of anything else to do. How sad is that? I needed a life, pronto.
This weekend was the first time I took a moment to stop, breathe, and think about what’s been going on. I realized that I can go for more than 24 hours without thinking about work. I realized that I am happy to not have to work all of the time. I remembered my love of art, theater, food, street fairs, bookstores, thrift stores and people watching. I remembered how much I love to explore new places. I marveled at how easy it was for me to be out in the middle of crowds without worry or fear. I realized that I’ve been hiding away in my house for the last couple of years. My fear of uncertainty has made it difficult for me to interact with the world.
It is time to change that. I’ve realized that work is to be enjoyed but not to be worshipped. I’ve realized that ambition does not have to mean sacrifice. I’ve remembered how to have fun, at least by myself. The next step will be to find people to have fun with. My trip to New York was wonderful and fulfilling and totally worth it. I’ll be returning next year for my birthday. Meanwhile, a trip to the beach during the holidays is the next fun idea.
